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06 June 2014

Obama Trades All Remaining Gitmo Detainees for Magic Beans

On the heels of his widely-praised exchange of Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl for five captured Taliban commanders, which Democratic strategists are comparing to trading General George Patton for five taxi drivers, President Obama went them one better and swapped all remaining Guantanamo detainees for a bag of magic beans.

In announcing the trade, Secretary of State John Kerry stated, "President Obama has unloaded hundreds of unskilled laborers and taxi drivers whom we already have enough of, and transported them from Gitmo to Afghanistan where they will be more likely to find jobs that fit their training and aspirations, like driving a cab, or follow their dream of being an artist or a poet."

"The magic beans he obtained from the Taliban in the trade will grow into large beanstalks which will pierce the cloud cover of Republican obstructionism surrounding the planet, and help alleviate climate change. It's a win-win," Kerry said.

"This is a big effing deal," said Vice President Joe Biden praising the trade. "For years the enemy has claimed our foreign policy was based on magical thinking. This swap is proof that we are guided by practicality and realism," Biden said, adding in passing that "someone's been eating [his] porridge."

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid also made a supportive statement, noting that the giant beanstalks will help reduce the deficit: "We can send people to climb up the beanstalks and steal gold from the giant Koch Brothers, who have hidden it in a castle in the clouds so they wouldn't have to pay taxes on it. Fee, fi, fo, fum," stated Reid.

State Department's Senior Twitterer, Jen Psaki, preempted any hostile criticism by Tweeting that the idea of growing large beanstalks around the White House has nothing to do with making it difficult to see what's going on inside, nor is it an attempt to distract attention from alleged "scandals," such as, the VA and Benghazi. "If anything, President Obama does not give himself enough credit for all his accomplishments in the last five years. He doesn't need magic plants to hide his successes from the public," Psaki Tweeted.

UN Ambassador Susan Rice led the Administration's effort to sell the transaction to TV viewers, telling a Sunday cooking show that "magic beans can be served with honor and distinction, especially with a main dish of fowl, such as crow."

In a rare public statement, Mullah Omar, leader of the Taliban Taxi Drivers' Union, called the swap a "victory" for President Obama in his fight against climate change. "Allah willing, we will continue to aid Obama's jihad against non-believers in global warming."

"Since he's clean out of detainees, maybe Obama can trade more of our magic beans for something else he doesn't need, like spent plutonium, for example. Our mountain caves make excellent toxic waste repositories. Call me if you want to trade, Barack," stated Omar, holding his thumb and index finger out in the traditional "phone call" hand gesture.

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