Fund Your Utopia Without Me.™

15 November 2014

Pic of the Day: Boxes of Chocolates and Fuzzy Ends of Lollipops

Gruber, the gift that keeps on giving…

The Gruber that stole @TheDemocrats':







Zamenhof Day







Watch Night


Dongzhi Festival


Winter Solstice

Pastafarian 'Holiday'

Bodhi Day


Feast of Winter Veil

Dies Natalis Solis Invicti



Stupid Is As Stupid Does...Still

Updated from 31 October 2011...

y dear, dear, little fool, I hope that you tattooed an Obama logo on your forehead   in the orgasmic aftermath of Obama electoral sex.  It will be a wonderful reminder to your grandchildren when they are living in cardboard boxes.
Don’t be surprised to wake one morning to find that they have tattooed a big, ole ‘L’ in Rockwell Extra Bold on top of it.  What does an ‘L’ in Rockwell Extra Bold look like in 72 font enlarged 300%?

You can’t be too angry with them.  Kids being kids and all that!  Plus, you really fucked up their lives and opportunities by ‘Asking not what you can do for your country, but what your country can do and give you!’  

If you ask me, they will have let you off easy.

Allah knows, the sex wasn't any good for you.  Certainly, Obama didn't respect you in the morning.  He wasn't then and isn't now that into you.
He used you.  You were nothing more than a $5 hooker, who he took on a 'round-the-world carnal excursion and left with a wicked case of crabs and herpes; yet, you keep making excuses for him.  Sigh.  Soon, you will be blaming Moses or President James Polk for inventing electric stoplights for unemployment.
I bet you are one of the 80% of college graduates, who have had to move back home with Mum & Dad, that is still waiting by the phone.

No money.

No job.

No car.

No girl.

No self-respect.

No future.

No nothing…

…but Lord Obama did give you a phone and Mummy still tucks you in at night.


Soooo, tonight, when you are laying in your childhood twin bed with the Buzz Lightyear sheets and the Tickle-Me Elmo doll, just keep saying:

‘I may be unemployed, but Hopenchange is awesome!

I may never be able to own my own home, but Obama is the one that we have been waiting for!

I know that I can't buy a Skinny Caramel Mocha Frappuccino Grande because I'm flat broke, but Socialism is so great!

I know that most of the Northeast got flooded when Sandy hit, but Obama still lowered the sea levels because he says so!’

Well, Ms Know-It-All, don’t feel sorry for me.  On the contrary, I feel sorry for you…

You're too dumb to even begin to comprehend how great you have it under Barack Obama!

Besides, MY Mummy makes me Pop-Tarts and gives me a Flintstones vitamin every morning.  Yours???  HA, I didn’t think so!  Plus, looking forward to premature balding, a paunch, and a full box of Obama condoms with an expiration date of 11.04.08 isn't so bad when, at 25, I am still considered a child on my parents' health insurance policy.

Now that Obama has safely been reelected and is universally loved, worshiped, and adored, I know he will eventually issue Executive Orders that will force my parents to continue to pay me an allowance until I am 50 and erase my $200,000 in student loans.  I mean, like ya know, it's only fair!  Did you really think that he’d only use his pen and his phone to help Americans lacking documentation?

Some of the kids that I graduated with have their own homes and businesses.  It's not like I am demanding a lot and it's not fair that they have more than me.  Anyhoo, it's the law in economically-sound Italy.  Me and my chums are working on a really kewl name to call ourselves...unlike in other countries.

In Italy, people like me, ya know, twenty- and thirty-somethings, who are living in our childhood bedrooms and, sometimes, get an allowance from our parents, are called ‘bamboccioni’ - ‘big babies!’  The utter nerve!

But, at least, Progressive Italy is making progress where you Regressives aren’t.  Like the judge said, basically, but whom I'm gonna paraphrase anyway:

‘It’s only fair Signor Giancarlo Casagrande that you continue to pay your daughter’s allowance while she is in school.  Giancarlo with the Big House, you can afford it.  Sure, you are already 60 years old and were probably looking forward to retirement, but we all have to make sacrifices ‘For the Children!’

As you will recall, when you and your former wife decided to destroy Marina’s family structure – utterly shattering the nurturing home in which she was cocooned in safety and security for 17 years – because the two of you made the selfish decision to divorce so that you both could chase sex toys, you, Mr Casagrande, agreed to pay Marina’s allowance while she was still in school.  You made that promise in 1997.

Now, I know that there have been some starts, stops, hiccups, and setbacks since then.  It is quite true that when my Mamma was 36 years old, like Marina, she was married, the mother of six bambinos, owner of her second home, and proprietor of her own beauty salon, but we shouldn’t compare them.  Comparing women against other women is sexist and so pre-post-modern. 

Thus, it is imperative that we not pass judgement on Marina’s failure to graduate on schedule.  Although she should have graduated with her degree in philosophy eight years ago, she continues in her efforts to, one day, graduate.  As evidence of her diligence, she is still working on her thesis while living at home with her Mamma.

Marina and her Mamma shouldn’t be the only ones to make sacrifices.  No empathetic person would expect a parent to make his or her 36 year-old daughter fly the nest and, perhaps, be made to survive on cat food and Ramen Noodles … Gesù, Maria, e Josepf!!!  This is Italy, ottenuto che pal. We eat P-A-S-T-A and ‘noodles’, as in Ramen, aren’t P-A-S-T-A!  Capisce?

As long as Marina is attending school and/or working on her thesis, you will pay her $550.00 every month, as well as giving her a cheque in the amount of $ 16,363.64, which represents that in arrears, before you leave this courthouse or I will hold you in contempt of court and put you in The Casa Grande, er, The Big House. 

Signor Casagrande, look on the bright side.  According to Marina’s Mamma, your daughter should be graduating within the next year once her thesis on ‘The Holy Grail’ is completed.  Once that happy event occurs, you can don your Italian Horn and Speedo then set out to Amalfi to spend Marina’s allowance on girls, who are not only old enough to drink and attend ‘bunga bunga’ parties, but could also call Ms Holy Grail, ‘Mamma’!

Now, compare how we are treated in more Regressive-Reactionary Lands:

In Japan, grown-ups call us ‘parasaito shinguru.’  Can you believe it?  They think we are parasitic singles.  Unbelievable.  We didn't ask to be born.  If you didn't want to take care of us in the style to which we have become accustomed, then you should have aborted us.  Take that, お爺さん!

Now, in Germany, they call people like us ‘Nesthockers,’ but what do you expect from NAZIS?  I mean, HELLOOOOOOO....

And, just who the fuck do those British snobs think they are calling their adult children KIPPERS?  After all, who calls their children fish? 

Everyone should recognise that, whether they are gutted, salted or pickled, Kids In Parents’ Pockets Eroding Retirement Savings deserve basic marine rights and, if they aren't going to be respected, then these victims need to organise and appeal to the United Nations.


All of those racist, sexist, bigoted, homophobic, Islamophobic, xenophobic, flatearther, greedy Fascists, like you, saw ‘Change We Can Believe In!’ and you people thought that Obama was talking about the near-term...ya the next Recovery Summer or the 8th one or something. 

Well, like I always say, ‘Y’ALL IS ЯέțåЃдʒĎ!’  You didn't read the fine print on the back of the signs!   Or the expiration date, for that matter.

'Change We Can Believe In' = 'Change We Hope We Can Believe Will Happen Before An Asteroid Hits And Destroys the Earth!' 


Okay, I have to go to sleep now so that I can get up early and pack my Transformers lunchbox, beg Mummy for some bus money, walk 3 miles to the bus stop, and ride for 45 minutes to my volunteer job at the local’s ‘Organising For America’ office.  And, oh, Ms Snooty!  My colleagues at the office say that I am so great at my job of making President Barack Obama look good that Media Matters for America will be offering me one of their unpaid internships A.N.Y.D.A.Y!!!  That would probably be the best thing that has ever happened to me.  Just imagine!  I could be working side-by-side with geniuses like David Brock, Oliver Willis, Ari Rabin-Havt, Angelo Carusone, and Paul Waldman!  I would be tempted to sing ‘I feel pretty. Oh so pretty. I feel pretty and witty and gay! at the top of my lungs…Every. Single. Day.

Don't you people be fooled again.  There is only one man in the fact, only one man in the history of mankind...who has cared more about you than himself and that is:

Barack Hussein Obama!


I’ll never understand how seemingly normal and ‘educated’ (No, your BA in African-American/Feminist/LGBTQQIAAP Studies and Master’s Degree in Advanced CRIT Puppetry do not count) people fell - when they weren't being treated by 'Obama's Paralegals' because they fainted - for the whole Hopenchange Snake Oil sold by 'The One Who Would Be Emperor With No Clothes.'

Which did you sound like?

‘It was the most memorable time of my life. It was a touching moment because I never thought this day would ever happen. I won’t have to worry about putting gas in my car. I won’t have to worry about paying my mortgage. You know, if I help him, he’s gonna help me.’ 

- Peggy Joseph

OOOOOH! This is such a blessing to see you, Mr. President! Thank you for taking time out of your day! OOOOOH! PRECIOUS GOD! THANK YOU SO MUCH! OOOOH! UAGGGGAAA!  Mr President, I am at Edison State College at my second semester. I have been at the same job at McDonalds for 4.5 years because of the fact that I can't find another job. Do you have any plan to MAKE THEM GIVE ME ANY BETTER BENEFITS than what I already receive??’ 

- Julio Osegueda


ROGULSKI:   Why are you here?

WOMAN #1:   To get some money.

ROGULSKI:   What kind of money?

WOMAN #1:   Obama money.

ROGULSKI:   Where's it coming from?

WOMAN #1:   Obama.

ROGULSKI:   And where did Obama get it?

WOMAN #1:   I don't know, his stash. I don't know. (Laughter) I don't know where he got it from, but he givin' it to us, to help us.

WOMAN #2:  And we love him.

WOMAN #1: We love him. That's why we voted for him!

WOMEN: (Chanting) OBAMA! OBAMA! OBAMA! (Laughing)

ROGULSKI: Did you get an application to fill out yet?

WOMAN: I sure did. And I filled it out, and I am waiting to see what the results are going to be.

ROGULSKI: Will you know today how much money you're getting?

WOMAN: No, I won't, but I'm waiting for a phone call.

ROGULSKI: Where's the money coming from?

WOMAN: I believe it's coming from the City of Detroit or the state.

ROGULSKI: Where did they get it from?

WOMAN: Some funds that was forgiven (sic) by Obama.



ROGULSKI: In downtown Detroit, Ken Rogulski, WJR News.


ROGULSKI: You got an Obama phone?

WOMAN: (screaming) Yes! Everybody in Cleveland, low minorities, got Obama phone. Keep Obama in president, you know? He gave us a phone!

ROGULSKI: He gave you a phone?

WOMAN: He gonna do more!

ROGULSKI: How did he give you a phone?

WOMAN: You say you will vote for Obama, If you're... If you on food stamps, you on Social Security, you got low income, you disability...

ROGULSKI: Okay, what's wrong with Romney, again?

WOMAN: Romney, he sucks! Bad!

ROGULSKI: In downtown Dallas, Ken Rogulski, WJR News.

‘I'm grateful for you, and I've been praying for you.’ (Pausing to collect herself) ‘I have an urgent need…. The Housing Authority has two years waiting list. We need something more than a vehicle and parks to go to. We need our own kitchen and our own bathroom….Please help.’ 

- Henrietta Hughes

The video for the following quote is now ‘private’, so I’ll pair this idiocy with the other…

‘We not rich like you, but this year we will be because we have Barack Obama.  Obama will save us all.’

News station's video...just in case.

'[Obamacare's] gonna be like Christmas, you know your first Christmas when you want that Barbie doll, so it's gonna be just like Christmas. I mean it's gonna be great, you know worries, you know the bills, we can go ahead and pay our co-pay and be all right.'

- DeCarlo Flythe

‘Thank you, Jesus! I can't believe that you sent this man! He is going to pay my mortgage! Hallelujah! He is going to fill my gas tank! Amen! He is going to give me a 2nd bathroom! Praise You! He is going to give me some of his stash! All the way, Yahweh! Praise the Lord and pass the welfare cheques!!!’

Stupid, fvcking idiots.

11 November 2014

Dispatches From The Future: The 'We Can't Wait!' Edition

Obama's Philosophy of Governing...Two Decades Later

From the 9 November 2034 edition of the New York Times:

Unbowed by disastrous midterm results for his party, President Gerald P. Hedge insisted that he plans on going ahead with executive action on tax reform. “I’ve been very patient with Congress,” the president said at a press conference the day after the midterms. “But the American tax system is broken. And Democrats in Congress have refused to step up to the plate. So I will act as much as I can within the confines of the law to grant the tax reform that our nation so desperately needs.”

An ambitious tax-reform package — headlined by 20 percent rate cuts across the board — passed the Republican-led Senate in 2033 but was blocked by the Democratic-led House. In the lead-up to the 2034 midterms, Mr. Hedge pledged to take executive action to provide what advocates term “tax relief,” but he had delayed announcing the specifics of that action until after the midterms on November 7.

Details about what executive action the president may take remain unclear, but top administration sources say the White House is looking at a variety of steps. One policy under consideration would build on 2032’s Deferred Action for Striving Americans (DASA), an executive order that put a hold on all efforts to penalize households making under $200,000 a year for not paying capital-gains taxes. A potential DASA+ might, some say, halt all penalties for income-tax evasion or underpayment for those making under a certain threshold each year (perhaps $75,000). Some tax activists are encouraging the Hedge White House to “go big” by refusing to have the IRS investigate or penalize any household that professes to make below $100,000 annually, and to refrain from prosecuting or levying fines against anyone above that threshold as long as they pay at least 80 percent of their legally mandated tax burden.

“The IRS has enough on its hands going after the big fish,” said Fielding Soderquist, president of the National Council of American Taxpayers and a leading tax activist. “They don’t have the resources to go after the minnows, too. President Hedge needs to go big in order to deliver on his promise to the American taxpayer that he will get the economy moving again. The American taxpayer community and the nation cannot afford to wait any longer.”

Mr. Soderquist and others argue that DASA and any other actions taken by Mr. Hedge are simply an extension of his executive powers of prosecutorial discretion. As Anita Schilling, a professor of constitutional and tax law at the University of Chicago, said, “Very, very few people making under $100,000 a year are audited anyway — let alone targeted for tax evasion. DASA+ would merely formalize what is already implicit government policy.”

Some, however, are concerned about the political implications of the president’s potential executive action on tax reform. California’s Pat Reedy, the No. 2 House Democrat, has blasted this plan: “If President Hedge thinks that he can rewrite tax policy at whim, he’s got another thing coming. The American people rebuked his policies at the polls on November 7. Going rogue on tax policy would be like firing a nuclear missile at bipartisan relations.”

And even some congressional Republicans have expressed anxiety about the president’s actions. Ohio senator Roger Khanna, facing a close reelection race, urged the president to forgo executive action on tax reform during the summer. Having scraped out a narrow win, Mr. Khanna still encourages the White House not to act: “It’s better for Congress to act on tax reform than to have the president go it alone.”

The White House and its allies sniff at these objections. As Chief of Staff Louis Paige said in an interview the day after the midterms, “The president will take action as a catalyst to encourage Congress to act. If Congress passes the 20 percent rate cut, the president can withdraw his executive action. Congress had a chance to act to pass tax reform. Now it’s the president’s turn.”

Off the record, administration insiders are even more dismissive of White House critics.

“If they don’t like the president’s policies, they can go out there and win an election,” said one White House aide before stopping himself and suddenly laughing. “Actually, it doesn’t even matter if they win an election or not.”

A key Senate Republican outlined the thinking of some in Congress: “Democrats can whine and howl, but, at the end of the day, what are they going to do? Try to impeach him? For giving people a tax cut? Give me a break. Until you can get two-thirds of Congress to tell the president no, he can do whatever he wants.”

Top Hedge aides have cited “the Obama precedent,” which one top adviser summarized as follows: “The president is patient. The president gives Congress a space to act in. But if Congress won’t act, the president can and must act. If Congress won’t govern, the president must.” This adviser also added, “In a time of gridlock, it’s the responsibility of the executive to go in and fill the vacuum.”

During his Wednesday press conference, the president also addressed the topic of governance in light of the election results. “I hear the 40 percent of Americans who voted on Tuesday, but I also hear the 60 percent of Americans who did not vote,” he said. “That 60 percent of Americans did not vote in favor of more gridlock and a broken Congress. Both those who voted and those who did not vote want things to get done here in Washington. And I will get things done if Congress can’t.”

One journalist asked Mr. Hedge why he is taking executive action on tax reform now after insisting for the first six years of his presidency that he lacked the constitutional authority to change U.S. tax policy unilaterally. In response, the president smiled and said, “I’m the president, and I can change my mind whenever I want. And I can change a whole lot of other things, too.”

— Fred Bauer is a writer from New England. He blogs at A Certain Enthusiasm, and his work has been featured in numerous publications.