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26 June 2013

Ten Amazing Things Ed Miliband Would Have Done In History If He'd Been There

M2RB:  Guns 'n Roses, Live in Tokyo, 1992
 Just a' urchin
livin' under the street
I'm a hard case
that's tough to beat
I'm your charity case
So buy me somethin' to eat
I'll pay you at another time
Take it to the end of the line
 Ed Miliband & Wallace:  Separated at birth?
Oh, wait, you thought that I meant this Wallace?

Dude, we are talking about Red Ed Miliband, the wannabe Forrest Gump of British politics.
Now, behold the Ed Miliband, legend in his own mind...
By James Delingpole, The Bloody, Magnificient Bastard

Ed Miliband has become the latest self-publicist to try and make mileage out of the Saatchi/Nigella affair. Personally I think it ought to be none of our business.  Not have-a-go-hero Ed, though.
But Mr Miliband said yesterday:

‘I thought they were horrifying pictures.

‘Honestly, if you are passing by something like that happening, our duty is to intervene.

'If I had been in that situation, passing by in those circumstances, the right thing to do is to go up to somebody involved in that and say, “What’s going on?”

Mr Miliband went on to list ten other things he would have done in history had he been there at the time.
1. Hastings, 1066
"I would have been one of King Harold's house carles and stuck up my shield just in time to stop the arrow going in his eye. My action would have changed the whole course of the battle."

2. The Pyramids
"Under my stewardship, they would have been slightly bigger and more magnificent, but using a special patented building method which I am unfortunately not at liberty to reveal, no slaves would have been in any way inconvenienced or exploited in the process and all the workers would have received a generous minimum wage which I would have agreed beforehand in tough negotiations with Pharaoh."

3. Trafalgar. 
"It would have happened just the same, except that cunning plan to bisect the French and Spanish fleet: that would have been my idea, not Nelson's – whose life I would have rescued by me spotting the enemy sharpshooter before he loosed off his round and talking him into surrendering using my fluent French."

4. Churchill's Blood, Toil, Tears and Sweat speech. 
"What would probably have happened is that Churchill might well have fallen asleep in one of his drunken stupors and someone like Alan Brooke or whoever would have said 'Quick. Quick. We desperately need someone to write some stirring speech which will help us win the war. Is there anyone you can think of, Ed?'"

5. The Wedding at Cana. 
"'Noooo! Noooooo! We're all out of booze, Ed. What we going to do? What are we going to do?' I expect the groom would have asked me."
'….And on encountering Grendel's mother…..'

6. Douglas Bader's VC
"He managed it without legs. But I, of course, had I been there would have done it without legs AND arms, proving not just my reckless courage and skill but also demonstrating that even severe disability is no bar to high achievement with the correct level of state support."

7. Salamis 480BC ("or as I prefer BCE").  
"'You realise if we don't win this one that's it for democracy: over before it's even begun', I would have said in a stirring speech before leading the Greek city states into action."

8. Apollo Moon Landing
"My steps would have been bigger than Neil Armstrong's. Also, I wouldn't have fluffed the line about 'One small step for a man' because I would have rehearsed properly."

9. Sarajevo, 1914. 
"'Leave 'em Gavrilo. They're not worf it,' I would have said, sparing the lives of perhaps 16 million people – not including the victims of the Spanish Flu who would also have been saved using the vaccine I would have developed during the Miliband Peace Years 1914 to 1918.

10. Global warming. 
"Thanks to my concerted efforts as Labour's environment minister I would have stopped this terrifying threat dead in its tracks, so that by 2013 I would be proudly able to guarantee to the British people that never for the rest of their lives would they be plagued by oppressive warmth and sunshine, not even in June."

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