The Pecker Placement Tales

In honour of Axe, who has decided that I can distill hundreds of years of British royal history down to "pecker placement," a few tales of "pecker placement":

Queen James I of England and VI of Scotland

"Do you realize how many times the Bible has been “edited” by mortal men to mirror their own personal beliefs and then written to say that GOD himself said these things? It is the most heavily-edited and out-of-context book around."

inthemiddle on August 1, 2012 at 4:42 PM

Do you know who was behind the most used version, the KJV?

Most people know about Henry VIII, The King’s Great Matter (his desire to divorce Catherine of Aragon and marry Anne Boleyn), the English Reformation, the Oath of Supremacy, Edward VI’s imposition of austere protestantism, Bloody Mary’s return to the Catholic Church, and Elizabeth I’s reinstatement of the Oath of Supremacy and the Church of England, but many do not know about the origins of the KJV and how it changed the course of history.

Picking up after Elizabeth’s death…

King James I of England and VI of Scotland, who convened the Hampton Court Conference in 1604 and instructed translators and scholars to create a new version of the Bible to conform with the Church of England – today, this Bible is known as the King James Version – was bisexual. His wife Queen Anne gave birth to his three children. While considered a decent husband and father, Jimmy loved getting him some Esmé Stewart, Duke of Lennox; Robert Carr, Earl of Somerset; and, George Villiers, Duke of Buckingham.

While riding through the bustling streets of London from 1603 to 1621, one was liable to hear the shout "Long live Queen James!" King James was so open about his homosexual love affairs that an epigram had been circulated which roused much mirth and nodding of the heads: Rex fuit Elizabeth: nunc est regina Jacobus—

"Elizabeth was King: now James is Queen." 

His son, Charles I, who was married to a Catholic, was executed by Oliver Cromwell and the Roundheads in 1649.

His grandson, King Charles II, was a legendary philanderer. He had a harem of mistresses and at least 8 illegitimate children. His wife, Catherine of Braganza, was infected with a STD by him and became infertile as a result. No heirs, which caused a HUGE crisis because his heir was his brother, King James II, who was Catholic…and, we all know about what happened in England after the English Reformation so a Catholic on the throne was always going to end badly. James II was driven from the throne. He was succeeded by his daughter, Mary, and her Protestant husband, William of Orange (William and Mary). She died without heirs and was succeeded by her sister Queen Anne, who also died without heirs. Upon her death, the closest Protestant heir was George of Hanover. 

The Hanoverians introduced into the royal family madness and haemophilia. George III was mad and many of Queen Victoria’s descendants were born with haemophilia, including the last Tsarevich of Russia, Nicholas II’s son. His condition introduced Rasputin into the family and many believe that the entry of that fraud led to the downfall of the 300 year-old Romanov Dynasty.

I find it ironic that the King, who ordered the Authorised King James Bible, which is still the most popular version of the Bible in the world, was bisexual while the King with a heterosexual sex drive that would kill most men infected his wife with numerous STDs rendering her infertile, which eventually led to the crown falling into the hands of the haemophilia-plagued Hanoverians, who became the House of Saxe-Coburg-Gotha (later renamed the Windsors). In turn, the SCGs infected the royal families of Spain, Germany and Russia.

If the heterosexual, King Charles II, had kept his pecker in his wife and not in his mistresses, who knows? There might still be a Tsar in Russia and Lenin and Stalin wouldn’t have killed tens of millions of people and without a crazy George III, the US might still be a British colony! 

lol

Boys' Night Out lasted for years.  The guys got to play knights and soldiers during the day and pecker placement games at night.

Confirmed: All U.S. presidents except one descended from King John of England

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...one of the most despised kings in all of English history. 

The Royal Family also considers his name "cursed" or "jinxed."  The story goes that Princess Diana wanted to name Prince William "John," but the Queen refused because of the sordid association with King John and the tragedy that has befallen the very few of the royal blood with the misfortune of carrying his name. 

For example, King George V and his wife, Queen Mary, had a son named John, who was the uncle of Queen Elizabeth II.  Prince John was their youngest child and 5th son.  He was an epileptic for most of his short life, segregated from the family, and died at the age of 13.

PS:  Axe, I was getting ready to write, "Axe, this is one English royal history lesson that I cannot reduce to 'pecker placement,' but that's not entirely true on second thought.  The entirety of English history -- no, human history -- might indeed be different because of pecker placement.  King John was Richard the Lionheart's younger brother.  D!ck liked, well, um, d!cks.  In the entirety of his reign, he spent no more than 6 months in his realm with his wife, Berengaria.  He liked his "boys' years out" during The Crusades.  For some of the participants, one might even argue that The Crusades were a forerunner to the Gay Pride Parade in The Castro District in San Fran.

If Old Dick had stayed on the throne with his scepter in his hand, instead of letting someone else take aim at his human "throne" while another played with his human "scepter," it is very likely that John wouldn't have been able to seize the English throne, become a tyrant, fail miserably, and be forced to sign the Magna Carta.

I knew you'd love it!