Piers, a Short Pier, and a Long Walk. Some Assembly Required.

"In conclusion, I can spare those Americans who want me deported a lot of effort by saying this: If you don’t change your gun laws to at least try to stop this relentless tidal wave of murderous carnage, then you don’t have to worry about deporting me...Although I love the country as a second home and one that has treated me incredibly well, I would, as a concerned parent first – and latterly, of a one-year-old daughter who may attend an American elementary school like Sandy Hook in three years’ time – seriously consider deporting myself."

- Piers Morgan, 29 December 2012

Er, to where are you going to self-deport? Even many Brits don’t want your pompous arse back - "We got rid of him once. Why should we have to suffer again."   

I’m was thinking “The Land of the Rising Google Bank Accounts” – Bermuda - might be a good fit. Plus, President Obama “gifted” Her Majesty and Bermuda 4 Uighurs from Gitmo.  How fun!  There’s got to be a 12 Days of Ramadan or Obama song in there somewhere. "On the 4th day of ----, my true love gave to me, 4 Uighurs surfing..."  Imagine the royalties!!!

Why? ‘Cuz:

 Piers Morgan +

 4 Uighurs + 

Marine Security Guard Force at US Embassy in Hamilton, Bermuda +

 US Consul General, Robert Settje, SWAT (ret) =

 

Final nail in the coffin of Piers Morgan

 

On one level, I think you’re the type that actually believes you are one of the precious and that everyone loves you. Sort of like Madge. Yes, at 54, any woman would KILL to have her body, but NO ONE WANTS TO SEE THE BOOBIES AND VAJAYJAY ON STAGE ANYMORE…OK, maybe, Ray Charles. If she had any sense or class, she’d take some lessons from Dita von Teese. Ahem.

Remember when everyone made fun of Obama for writing two books about himself before he was 50:  Dreams from My Father (34) and The Audacity of Hope (45)?  Well, how phun, phun phunny is the fact that you've written THREE:  The Insider: The Private Diaries of a Scandalous Decade (40), Don't You Know Who I am? (42), and God Bless America: Misadventures of a Big Mouth Brit (44)?

On another level, you’re George Constanza. I remember that I tagged Obama with that label immediately following the first debate (the jerk store called…), but my good man, you bring some serious ‘nutter game.

EIGHT YEARS AFTER after you were frogmarched out of your office at The Mirror for knowingly running hoax pictures of British soldiers “torturing” Iraqis, you are STILL Tweefending yourself and blaming a vast-right-wing-Neo-Con-Israel-Firster-Bilderberger-NWOer-Tri-Lat-CFRer-Freemason-NRA-Globalist-False-Flag Planner-MK-ULTRA Practitioner-Paid Propagandist-CIA-MI6-DGSE-Mossad-conspiracy for photoshopping those pictures on the same Olympia manual typewriter that created that did not create Dan Rather’s “fake, but accurate” Bush AWOL documents forgeries.

After the Leveson Inquiry said this about you, specifically:

“…[C]learly prove is that he was aware that [phone hacking] was taking place in the press as a whole and that he was sufficiently unembarrassed by what was criminal behaviour that he was prepared to joke about it.”

…and coupled with the aforementioned FAUX FOTOS, I find the irony deeeeelish when you complain about “FAUX News.”

You’re STILL fighting the War of the Faux Roses Iraqis, which you lost… long ago.

You’re STILL fighting the English Reformation, which you lost… long ago.

You’re STILL fighting the Hampton Court Conference of 1604, which you lost… long ago.

You’re STILL fighting the English Revolution, which you lost… long ago.

You’re STILL fighting the Glorious Revolution, which you lost… long ago.

You’re STILL fighting the Act of Settlement 1701, which you lost… long ago.

You’re STILL fighting the American Revolution, which you lost… long ago.

You’re STILL fighting Lord Hardwicke’s Marriage Act of 1753. You’ve been losing, but against the will of the British people, the Fabian Socialist Archbishop of Canterbury, who fought to open the CofE to gay priests, but has announced his retirement in protest, the grassroots and peers of the Conservatives, Muffin Cameron will win SSM for you…even if it puts Ed the Red or Boris in 10 Downing.  

[For the record, I'm pro-SSM, but I, like most Brits, don't rank it very high on our list of priorities.  Please see Joe Biden for a clue and a "three-letter word.]

Nothing, however, can win back your integrity, trustworthiness, Q-rating and “Why you matter” factor…although I’m sure that China or Son of Son of Kim in NorKo will take you. 

If PSY can be the Elvis of South Korea, surely, you can be the Edward R Murrow of North Korea!

After all, you’ve always been great at spouting propaganda and weaving faerie tales of the blissful nature of My Progressive Little Ponyland, which is, of course, a gun-free zone where unicorns and teddy bears can marry and produce litters of lollipops and cupcakes with sprinkles.

Piers, short pier, and long walk. Some assembly required.

PS, Mr Morgan:  Have you ever heard of the old maxim,  "When in Rome, do as the Romans?"  Well, you no more have the right to demand Americans change their gun laws than I had the right to demand that they drive on the left side of the road when I came here.  If you don't like it, hit the road; otherwise, your behaviour brush will paint broad a swath unfairly smearing and tarring many:

Old & Busted:  The Ugly American

New Hotness???:  The Ugly Brit

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