#6: CYNTHIA McKINNEY (If she is #6, just imagine who's on first).
If you're one of those people with a soft spot for wasting your vote on loony candidates, do I have good news for you! You have plenty of time to cast your wacky-as.s vote for Green Party nominee, Cynthia McKinney, when she runs again in 2012!
Until 2006, she was a Democratic member of Congress, where she spent her time on important things like trying to pass a bill to release the government's secret records on all of the Jews on House committees, assaulting the Capitol police and trying to get a new House Senate Select Committee On Assassinations formed to investigate the CIA's involvement into the "assassinations" of Tupac Shakur, Soulja Slim, Biggie Smalls, Freakie Tay, Mac Dre, Yaki Kadafi, Scott La Rock, Big L, and Jam Master Jay.
But wait, it gets better. McKinney upped the crazy ante when she claimed that the government executed 5,000 males and dumped them in a swamp in Louisiana. She stated that she assumed they were prisoners, because they were mostly males. Why, because only dudes go to prison? Evidently, soooooooomeone has never seen: "Caged Heat, " The Concrete Jungle," "Chained Heat," "Cell Block Sisters," "Caged Hearts," "Bad Girls Dormitory," "Under Lock & Key," and "Caged Fear."
She also claimed that the American Red Cross was a conspirator in the "genocide" in Louisiana. Yeah, 'cuz EVERYONE knows that the Red Cross is just a beard for the Fourth Reich, Illuminati, Council on Foreign Relations, CIA and Bilderbergs. That's right! We ALL know that its charity work is just a cover for its real purpose: To steal and kill.
This information supposedly came to her via a message received by the antenna on her tinfoil hat from a woman whose son was one of those tasked with disposing of the bodies. Sure, that probably sounds dubious, but McKinney assures us she took the extra step of verifying the story with insiders. I'm hoping that "insiders" is the loving pet name she's given to the voices in her head. Otherwise, someone out there with information to share that, if true, could be vital to the very fabric of American life, decided that the best place to go with it was here...
'Why am I holding these? Where am I?'
- Cynthia McKinney
'Her son’s charge by the Department of Defence was to process 5,000 bodies that had received a single bullet wound to the head, and these were mostly males…The data about these individuals was entered into a Pentagon computer. And, then reportedly the bodies were dumped in the swamp in Louisiana…I have verification from insiders, who wish to remain anonymous (of course)…at the Red Cross.'
- Cynthia “Face-Palm” McKinney
Because clearly, the Red Cross would be deeply involved in such a plot...
“Why did they not warn the innocent people…who were needlessly murdered?” In other words, the Bush administration knew these people were going to be murdered and they did nothing about it. She also adds that “persons close to this administration are poised to make huge profits off America’s new war…We know there were numerous warnings of the events to come on September 11th. . . . What did this administration know and when did it know it, about the events of September 11th? Who else knew, and why did they not warn the innocent people of New York who were needlessly murdered? . . . What do they have to hide?…I am not aware of any evidence showing that President Bush or members of his administration have personally profited from the attacks of 9-11. A complete investigation might reveal that to be the case.”
- Cynthia McKinney
Don’t say it. I am not debating your Truther theories again…thermite…nano-thermite…nono-kryptonite.
#5: LYNDON LaROUCHE, PERENNIAL PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE
Lyndon LaRouche has run for president at least eight times, first in 1976 as the US Labour Party candidate, and later as a candidate for the Democratic nomination. Depending on who you ask, he is either a genius visionary or a batshitt insane conspiracy theorist...Hmm... Let's see if we can find some evidence one way or the other...
Where to start? He thinks either the Holocaust didn't happen or, if it did, it wasn't all that bad and that some kind of Jewish /British cabal is behind all of the world's problems. (You know, if it's not Bush's fault, then it has to be the fault of the Joooos). His political party looks an awful lot like a cult, with LaRouche holding tight-fisted control over a core group of dedicated followers. Do Not Pass Go. Do Not Collect $200.00. And, Go Straight to Flat-out Batshitt Crazyville.
I mean why not go straight for the great? And by "great" I mean “GREAT!” like the time that "he claimed someone kidnapped and brainwashed one of his staff members with the intent of programming them to assassinate him."
According to LaRouche's group, the intended assassin was Chris White, a British national, who had married LaRouche's ex-girlfriend. The young man was allegedly kidnapped by the CIA, in conjunction with the KGB friend. The young man was next allegedly kidnapped by the CIA, in conjunction with the KGB. Sounds reasonable enough, what better friends were there in 1974 than the CIA and the KGB? What Cold War?
LaRouche's people said that, once in captivity, White was programmed so that when a trigger word was uttered, White would kill his wife, then LaRouche, and then blame the thing on Cuban assassins (got to work in the Cubans in there. What good is a conspiracy theory without a Communist octogenarian in it in a track suit?). After all, if some dude just went crazy and killed his wife and her ex-boyfriend, how would you ever explain that?
#4: JOHN G. SCHMITZ - 1972 AMERICAN INDEPENDENT PARTY
John G Schmitz had a beef with Richard Nixon (when Nixon made his historic trip to China, Schmitz quite hilariously said "I was only upset that he came back"). Schmitz decided the best way to take out his anger was by running for President against Nixon in 1972, hoping to addle Nixon with the shame of losing to someone who was frothingly insane.
If someone ever decides to compile recordings of the craziest things every said to the media, they may as well call it "John G Schmitz: The Greatest Hits," and not just because that title rhymes. For example, there was the time he casually suggested the US could benefit from a military coup to overthrow the government. But in his words:
'Not a bad coup, mind you. But, a good one, like Pinochet's in Chile.'
Oh, okay! Thought you were saying something retarded there for a moment.
He did have a way with the ladies though. After a particularly heated exchange with feminist lawyer, Gloria Allred, Schmitz approved a press release with the catchy headline:
"Attack of the Bulldykes"
...that described Allred as a "slick butch lawyeress" and her supporters as "a sea of hard, Jewish and (arguably) female faces".
Regardless of where you fall on the issue of women or lawyers or those that happen to be both, that’s some funny shit. I love listening to insane people babble, You just never know what will be said and, of course, even a nut finds a squirrel every now and then and called Allred, "That Howling, Hollering Harridan", Allred, is a bitch. I can't listen to her for more than 2 minutes.
Schmitz is dead now, but fear not! The crazy train in the Schmitz family is continuing on down the tracks. One major example is Schmitz’s daughter, Mary Kay LeTourneau. Name sound vaguely familiar? Maybe, you remember it from the several years she was in the headlines for having sex with a 13 year-old student (she was a teacher – they met when he was 8) and having two of his children. She went to jail for rape, then, when she was released, she did the honourable thing: She married him.
Many children and insanity runs in the family. But, hey, at least she didn’t run for president.
#3: JOHN HAGELIN - 1992 NATURAL LAW PARTY NOMINEE
The Natural Law Party was formed in 1992 in that political hotbed city of Fairfield, Iowa (Think Berkeley in a corn field...or not). For the entirety of it's hilarious life as a political party (three election cycles), John Hagelin was their candidate.
John Hagelin is a doctor. That means he's smarter than you. So smart, in fact, that he has the problem of terrorism completely figured out. War? Not the answer. Better cooperation amongst intelligence departments? Not necessary. Transcendental meditation? Hell, yeah! Just watch that downward facing dog. You could cause a riot or WWIII. Namaste, dude.
According to Hagelin, the answer to all of the world's problems lies in having a bunch of people get together in a room and think about said problems, like, really hard. That's it, problem solved. No actual action is needed. Seriously, they say it's been "field tested" for 25 years and has shown clear reductions in terrorism! Though I'm assuming those 25 years were not consecutive and did not include 2001 or 2002 or 2003 or 2004 or 2005 or 2006 or 2007 or 2008 or 2009 or 2010.
Perhaps, Hagelin can get one of those massive transcendental mediation thingies going on 21 December 2012 - That whole Mayan calendar issue must be freaking the Nats out.
According to them, the only reason we haven't already eradicated all of our problems is because not enough people are meditating on them at the same time. But, it's not for lack of trying, once participation in the annual Invincible America Assembly reaches approximately the square root of 1% of the total population of the United States, all world events will tilt in our favor. That makes sense, right? That 'He.Bad.', 09 September 2001, thing was just an aberration.
#2: JACK SHEPARD- 2008 CANDIDATE FOR THE REPUBLICAN NOMINATION
If you think it takes balls to run for president, try running for president while running from the law. That's just what Jack Shepard did.
Jack Shepard's political activities, and there have been several, have all been conducted from Italy due to an outstanding for burning his Minneapolis home to the ground.
To be fair, he had a perfectly plausible story.
'Someone kicked in my bedroom door and threw some fire in there and ran downstairs and ran away.'
I must admit, I was skeptical, until I realised that the assailants already had the fire burning and ready to throw prior to kicking in the bedroom door; thus, giving them plenty of time to escape...all in the dark. Night vision goggles???
Running for president as a fugitive--presumably so he can pardon himself once elected--is more than enough crazy to make this list, but it doesn't end there.
Shepard also had his Minnesota dental license revoked due to "a string of violent incidents." No further details are available about the incidents themselves, but he did show up to the revocation hearing dressed as soccer player, if that helps. Need more? Think Michael Jackson without the fire and violent extractions.
And then, there are his claims of being a spy for the US government. "If I wanted to go home (President) Bush would clear the way (he obviously overlooked the fact that he can't campaign, win and be President in Italy and, if he comes home, he won't be to either since the warden has some very strict rules).
“Bush knows me personally. How do get new passports, travel and do not get arrested, if Uncle Sam did not cover for one of his most well connected people in the Middle East, if I was not who I cannot say I am?"
Yes, because we all know that batshit loons set fires, get a little violent cleaning, filling and pulling teeth, and show up to court in a costume are on a first name basis with the POTUS and is well-connected in Europe.
You can't argue with logic like that.
#1: LEE MERCER, JR., CANDIDATE FOR THE 2008 DEMOCRATIC NOMINATION
After the Democrats nominated Barack Obama in 2008, I had a chance to reflect on the nominee that could have been, should have been. Seriously, I am talking about a candidate of great personal integrity, purpose, wisdom, intelligence, and vision. Sure, Obama's black. The first African-American candidate nominated for President by a major political party in the United States. Big deal. They could have had a black candidate AND a real historic first if not for the fact he failed to garner a single delegate or appear on a single ballot. Even so, the failure of the Democrats to nominate this man for president represents a tragic loss, the loss of a man who combines the stability of Lyndon LaRouche, the gravitas of Joe Biden and the wisdom Dennis Kucinich and stirs it up into a nice gooey ball of complete sincere batshit insanity.
Why is America the greatest country in the world? Because a Lee Mercer, Jr. can legally run for president.
After reading through his website, the thing that surprised me the most was that someone actually got Lee Mercer, Jr. to take a long enough break from being absolutely out-of-his-gourd insane to stop and pose for that picture at the top. Not wanting to dilute Mercer's message, I now present him in his own words (misspelling his, emphasis mine) and all of his glory.
Double gird your loins, because here we go...from his biography:
"Since my high school graduation in 1969, I developed myself to my own academic interest to be a Collegiate Professional."
"On August 22, 1992, the State of Texas installed an intelligence hotwire in me at the United States Army Military Intelligence Academy Camp Bullis, San Antonio, Texas."
"As a part of my continuing eduaction (yep, that "eduaction" will come in handy), I am making my presidential campaign part of my ROTC Intelligence Academics to record the learnings, doings, and examples of the United States Government as a government consultant, community developer, and financial planner appointed by the United States Federal Congress to record my biography in the United States Government Presidential Election for 2008 from Electronic Surveillance to develop records on the United States Government Presidential Campaign because I am on an academic intelligence hotwire that cannot be unhooked by anyone.'
"I have a doctor degree Phd. a doctor of laws, medicine (not a practitioner of medicine; i.e, physicians, surgeons), theology, management, engineering and other subjects that are guaranteed by the United States Army in ROTC to be presented to me in a court of Law only."
Yeah, I thought the same thing you are...is Fleet Admiral Bozone Mitty, (Ret.), International Man of Idiocy, bestest friend of Rear Admiral Thurston Howell III really Lee Mercer???
On Why He's Running For President:
1. The United States Federal Congress has encouraged me to want to become President of the United States so that I can do what the President of the United States of America is supposed to do and complete the federal and military government biography and autobiography in development in Eye Spy Community-Military Intelligence (All Three) Business and Commerce Intelligence Education across the board National and International. Yeah, because we all know that writing down that, which the Evil Electronic Eye can already see, somehow, protects you from Big Brother. Besides, like, um, you know, how can Eye Spy penetrate the Van Allen Radiation Belt? Huh?
2. To prove there is a Public Health Crime War in Business and Commerce in America National and International through Eye Spy Community-Military Intelligence (All Three) Business and Commerce Intelligence. Yeah, he's really hung up on that whole bidness.
3. To prove The Klu Klux Klan and the Communist Party are gangsters and organize crime in Business and Commerce through Eye Spy Community-Military Intelligence (All Three) Business and Commerce Intelligence National and International. Told ya.
4. To prove the United States of America has two Governments and they are Government #1 and Government #2 and I own Government # 1. I have the feeling that he had a difficult time potty training -- #1 and #2.
5. To Prove The United States Army Guarantees all of my performances because I am on a United States Army Hot-wire Hookup for performance monitoring as Eye Spy Community-Military Intelligence Business and Commerce Intelligence University Of Texas at Austin ROTC The United States Army Military Intelligence Academy. Back to the EYE SPY. Hey, maybe, he's related to Axe...
6. To Prove Governor William Perry is killing me and my family very seriously. Okey-dokey.
7. To Prove Jeb Bush is all in my house with disease. BOOOOOOOOOSH!
8. To prove that you need to pay the American Citizens before I die. Don't ask. Hell, if I know.
9. To prove that every person in the United States and world is hooked up on an Eye Spy and Community Military Intelligence (All Three) Electronic surveillance hot-wires approved by the United States Congress for the U.S. Government Electronic Surveillance of every citizen in America for government intelligence circumstances will equal to the United States Government's Technocracy. Back to the EYE. Has anyone ever seen Axe and Lee Mercer in the same room at the same time? Ever?
"My platform for President of the United States Of America is Criminal Law. It is developed from my Method of Education."
"I was to create and/or invent by the United States Army that is now intact regulating the United States Government protecting through Military Intelligence Computerization Management a new Disipline I invented and the Administration of Criminal Law. Laws across the board."
"Hey! Don't mock his "created and/or invented"! After all, "Hope-n-Change" worked. "Created and Saved" worked for a while. So did, "Timely, Targeted, and Temporary.”
Sounds like George Nouri could fill up an entire month of programming on Coast-to-Coast just with these loons...and, I haven't even mentioned Dennis Kucinich, Sheila Jackson-Lee, Alvin Greene, and Carol Mosley-Braun.
Prediction: Since Alvin "Action Figure" Greene is shellacked, Cynthia McKinney will ask him to be her running mate in 2012. Well, at least we will be entertained while awaiting the end of the world on 21 December 2012.
Okay, well, there's always 2016!!!
Updated with some gratuitous Axe axing. I so heart him.