CNN Goes Full ЯέțårĎ

Well, I had fun with two of CNN's resident geniuses!

Christiane Amanpour, Senior Foreign Correspondent

Caliphate News Network

Let's start with the Whore of Babylon (h/t Difficultas_Est_Imperium), Christiane Amanpour.  Here's Ms Intrepid Reporter...

'On this day, these [Charlie Hebdo] ACTIVISTS found their targets, and their TARGETS were journalists. This was a clear attack on the freedom of expression, on the press, and on satire.' 

Christiane Amanpour, 7 January 2015

Things she could have said to make even more sense:

‘The Einsatzgruppen weren’t bloody Jew-slaughtering Nazis. No, No, No! They were COMMUNITY ACTIVISTS!!!’ 

- Christiane Amanpour

‘The Revolutionary United Front in Sierra Leone weren’t CANNIBALISTIC barbarians. No, No, No! They were CULINARY ACTIVISTS!!!’ 

- Christiane Amanpour

'Dekulakisation wasn't a programme of mass starvation and executions. No, No, No! It was merely a form of AGRICULTURAL ACTIVISM!!!' 

- Christiane Amanpour

'Ismaaiyl Brinsley wasn't a cop killer. No, No, No! He was a POLICE REFORM ACTIVIST!!!’ 

- Christiane Amanpour 

'The 19 hijackers on 9/11 weren't terrorists. No, No, No! They were AVIATION ACTIVISTS!!!' 

- Christiane Amanpour 

'Jihadi John isn't a head-chopping butcher. No, No, No! He's a ANATOMY ACTIVIST!!!' 

- Christiane Amanpour 

'Genghis Khan wasn't a savage invader. No, No, No! He was a LAND USE ACTIVIST!!!' 

- Christiane Amanpour 

'Bonnie and Clyde weren't murderous bank robbers. No, No, No! They were WEALTH REDISTRIBUTION ACTIVISTS!!!'

- Christiane Amanpour 

‘The Beslan school massacre wasn’t an act of savage barbarity. No, No, No! It was a rally of EDUCATION ACTIVISTS!!!’ 

- Christiane Amanpour 

'The 2002 Nord-Ost siege wasn't a hostage crisis. No, No, No! It was a meeting of THEATRE CRITICS & ACTIVISTS!!!'

- Christiane Amanpour 

'CNN isn't a news organisation. No, No, No! It's a group of LEFT-WING ACTIVISTS!!!' 

- Christiane Amanpour* 

* Telling the truth for once.

CNN: Where People for Limited Government are TERRORISTS and Actual Terrorists are 'ACTIVISTS'!!!

Clueless News Network 

Next up, Jeopardy!'s smartest contestant evah:


Wolf Blitzer, 2015:

Do you think Amedy Coulibaly deliberately targeted the Jewish grocery store or was it just a coincidence? 

Wolf Blitzer, 1933:

Do you think our new Chancellor deliberately targeted Jews in Mein Kampf or do you just think he was trying to boost book sales?

Wolf Blitzer, 1934:

Do you think the Third Reich is deliberately targeting Jews by prohibiting us from getting coverage through the national health insurance programme and being members of the German Labour Front or do you think that it wants to protect us from the '3,000% annual decrease' in premiums and union fees?

Wolf Blitzer, 1935:

Do you think the Nazis enacted the Nuremberg Racial Hygiene Laws to deliberately target Jews or are they merely concerned about our health? 

Wolf Blitzer, 1936:

Do you think the Wehrmacht is deliberately targeting and questioning the patriotism of Jews by continuing to exclude us from serving or is it trying to protect us from the horrors and hardships of military service?

Wolf Blitzer, 1937:

Do you think that Hitler is deliberately targeting Jews by banning them from jobs in professions such as education, medicine, accounting, denistry, etc, or is he trying to look out for us by getting us out of highly stressful careers?

Wolf Blitzer, 1938:

Do you think the Sturmabteilung deliberately targeted the Fasanenstraße Synagogue in Berlin or was it just a coincidence? 

Wolf Blitzer, 1939:

Do you think that the Nazi government is deliberately targeting Jews with its confiscation of all our gold, silver, and real estate or is it trying to protect us from the vagaries of life by setting up experts to take care of our assets?

Wolf Blitzer, 1940:

Do you think German Jews are being deliberately targeted because they are being deported to Poland or do you think the Führer is rewarding us for our trust by sending us to the wonderful new neighbourhood called Auschwitz?

Wolf Blitzer, 1941:

Do you think the Nazi forces deliberately targeted Rabbi Bloch for execution in Telz or was it just an honest mistake?

Wolf Blitzer, 1942:

Do you think the Nazis are deliberately targeting Jews or do they just need bodies to try out the gas chambers?  

Wolf Blitzer, 1943:

Do you think that the Waffen-SS deliberately targeted the Jews in the Warsaw Ghetto or were they merely trying to rescue the residents from the ŻOB and ŻZW terrorists?

Wolf Blitzer, 1944:

Do you think that Hitler deliberately targeted Kurt Gerron and sent him to Therezenstadt because he was Jewish or do you think he just wanted a famous filmmaker to document the beautiful village that Hitler has given the Jews?

Wolf Blitzer, 1945:

Do you think that the Nazis deliberately targeted Jews at Buchenwald and Dachau or were thousands of corpses left rotting as a way of scaring straight other Jews about the dangers of bulimia and anorexia?

Wolf Blitzer, 1946:

Do you think the Nazis deliberately targeted Jews for extermination or was it just a coincidence that the largest group to suffer under the Third Reich were Jewish? I want to be careful here and not condemn all Nazis for the actions of a few, especially if the latter were just flukes (no, not sluts like Sandra, but aberrations).

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