Ok, then. Let’s do this Newt Gingrich thing!
Thank you South Carolina for making me finally see the errors of my
ways and opening my eyes to the ingenious wisdom of nominating Newt.
This website was clearly a mortal sin against the cause of defeating
President Obama. I can only plead for mercy and beg for forgiveness.
I feel like such a fool for having doubted Newt’s greatness and for
having been under the evil spell of the Republican establishment. I was
clearly tricked into thinking that nominating the good looking guy with
the great resume who says all the right things and has limited baggage
was a good idea. I feel like such an idiot!
You see, I had no idea just how brilliant nominating Newt could be. I
had forgotten that we conservatives had decoded the mainstream media’s
signals and finally realized that whomever they say the least horrible
things about is the last person we want as our nominee.
Conversely, I had just been way too slow to fully understand the
dazzling insight that the person who is attacked the most by
the media is the actually the one we need to go with (I must have
forgotten about these rules listening to those secret agents of the left
like Charles Krauthammer and Brit Hume on Fox News).
After all, we wouldn’t want to fall into that horrible trap of
nominating someone who appears to appeal to non conservatives. That
would be impure and, since (based on the results of the 2008 election)
we clearly represent the majority, totally unnecessary. All we need to
win elections is someone who can excite the base. Just ask Barry
Goldwater or Sarah Palin!
Thanks to the wise people of South Carolina (a state which, for some
reason, usually ranks last in education), we are not going to make the
horrendous mistake of uniting around the person the media wants us to
pick under the guise that they are “electable.” Who wants that quality
anyway! I am sure that, as that as Palin, a proven expert on appealing
to independent voters, said in her bizarre “endorsement” of Newt, having
a long, drawn out and bloody primary demonizing capitalism will only
make our nominee stronger. I am sure that any concerns that the
Democrats and their media friends would ever stoop to using any of this
against us in the fall is totally unfounded.
Besides, assuming Newt pulls this whole thing out, we will have no
need for such trite concepts as “strategy” or “conventional wisdom.” We
will have something much stronger on our side: Magic.
It is clear that Newt is practically bursting with magical powers.
How else could anyone possibly explain returning from the dead as
quickly and without rational explanation as Newt has done over the last
three weeks?
Since he imploded in the polls in late December, the following are the most prominent events which have surrounded his campaign:
He failed to get on the ballot in his home state and compared the setback to Pearl Harbor.
He finished a distant fourth in Iowa, losing badly to Rick Santorum and Ron Paul.
He whined incessantly about television ads which had the audacity to reveal his record.
He finished fifth in New Hampshire, getting crushed by a guy nobody likes who would leave the race days later.
He engaged in attack on Mitt Romney, seemingly inspired by an Occupy
Wall Street protester, focusing attention on a factually bankrupt
“documentary” on his opponent’s Bain Capital career and raising
unfounded questions about what might be in his tax returns.
He received “sort of” endorsements from two prominent Republicans
with over 60 percent disapproval ratings, one who didn’t have the guts
to run for president and the other who probably wishes now he didn’t.
He angrily attacked a debate moderator for asking a legitimate
question that he knew, and probably hoped, was coming, and proceeded to
essentially call his ex-wife a liar hours after saying he wouldn’t say
anything bad about her (and, in an even more impressive display of
wizardry, fooled people into thinking that the daughters he cited
as defending him belonged to the ex-wife in question).
Obviously, anyone who can think so outside the box and turn such
apparent lemons into sweet tasting lemonade is exactly the type of
miracle worker we need to beat Barack Obama!! No wonder most of these
genius South Carolina voters said Newt is the most electable candidate.
All of this has finally convinced me that this type of unique
brilliance can be maintained all the way to the White House. After all,
general election voters are exactly the same as Republican primary
voters and the campaign media coverage currently dominated by Fox News,
will not change significantly once the whole nation is engaged in a Newt
vs. Obama battle.
Normally, I would be concerned that Newt’s incredibly high
disapproval numbers (worse than Palin in some polls!) would be
impossible to overcome, especially against an incumbent, but thanks to
“magic” so clearly being involved, I am no longer worried. People often
change their minds in a positive direction about an unpopular Republican
when they are running against a media darling Democrat. Just because I
can’t think of a time when that has ever actually happened in history,
doesn’t mean it won’t now. Heck, the law of averages is on our side!
One of the most remarkable elements of Newt’s resurrection is that he
has been able (using that magic again) to erase from voter’s memories
all of the things from his past that make simple people like me
incorrectly conclude he is unfit to be president. Then when those
“facts” are occasionally imprudently raised he can simply calls the
attacks out of bounds or “old news.” I am confident that this tactic
will remain quite successful in a general election against Obama.
Why would anyone care about him having been “convicted” of ethics
charges by a Republican House, forced to resign as Speaker, divorced
twice under terrible circumstances, and been a highly paid “historian”
for the entity which led to the financial collapse that resulted in
Obama’s election? And besides, with magic now on our side, what could
possibly go wrong if anyone actually did care about those events?
Obviously nothing! We have magic on our side!
We can't wait for that magic to be on display in the debates between
Newt and Obama. When Newt gets through with him, I can just see our
badly bruised president being carried, limp, from the stage by
teary-eyed network anchors. I used to think that Obama would never be
forced to agree to the wide-open format which Newt wants, but now I see
that Gingrich's powers of persuasion are simply too grand to deny and
that the media will surely be pressuring Obama to accept the underdog's
terms.
I am quite confident that when Newt calls him
an "anti-colonial Kenyan," that independent voters
will understand exactly what that means and will be able to
ignore the TV commentators who try to call him a racist for it.
After all, I am sure that the studio audience for those debates will be
made up of exactly the same type of people who wildly cheered his rants
during the primaries.
There used to be a part of me that wondered if presidential debates
really had anything to do with substance, but then Newt assured me that
this is how the public grades them. As a man who has been married three
times, I assume he is an expert on exactly how much facts, reason and
logic dictate who wins real-life arguments.
I guess that the final element which convinced me of the errors of my
past ways and set me on the path to truth, is that Newt has already
essentially given the Romney campaign a probably terminal cancer by
legitimizing the attacks on his wealth. It is clear that the base is not
energized by Romney (and we all know how important that is since so few
conservatives are excited to vote against Obama and that an
enthusiastic vote counts so much more than a tepid one) and that the
conservative media will not rally around him because they really have no
financial incentive to see Obama defeated.
Therefore, it makes perfect sense to abandon the Romney idea and
reward the guy who mortally wounded him by giving them the nomination. I
am sure Newt did this not because of some sort of selfish personal
vendetta or agenda, but rather because, in his infinite wisdom, he
realized it was the only way to convince the less enlightened among us
to embrace the glory that is him and his candidacy. Thank you Newt!
But as thankful as I am for Newt blessing us with his magnificent
intelligence (I can’t wait to hear about some of those “big ideas” he is
always assuring us he has!), I am even more grateful that no one has
taken me up on my offer of a $10,000 bet I made when this website
debuted.
This website has been offering the first prominent conservative who
wanted it, a $10,000 bet (at two to one odds!) that Newt would lose to
Obama. To date, no one has taken me up on it. At first, I naively
thought this was because everyone realized as I did that Newt had no
chance to beat Obama. But now I understand that Newt supporters were
simply being merciful to me for my ignorance and didn’t want to engage
in any “vulture capitalism” by taking advantage of my obvious stupidity.
However, being a man of my word, the $10,000 bet stands. Since I have
read so many conservative commentators who are clearly so much more
insightful than me say that a short, old, fat, angry, white, male named
Newt is just the guy we need to beat Obama, I figured I should reward at
least one of them by allowing them this obvious gift. I honestly won’t
mind because being assured of making Obama a one-termer will be easily
worth the money.
For those interested in my charity, just e-mail me at talktozig@aol.com.
I can’t wait to see you at the Inauguration with the check!
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